Cried until I dont think I could have anymore tears left to cry. And yet, they just keep coming out, dripping all over my keyboard. I cant believe what a shiiiiiiiiiitttty day today has been. Shitty isnt even the word to describe it. But I cant think of anything else for now. Anyway, I feel terribly bad about ever convincing nini that she should go back in October. I guess I know now is too late. But still! I would still be feeling bad either way, whether I kept insisting that she should go back in October or not. I mean, how could I Not feel bad that I'll be able to spend two months back at the end of the year but nini only gets 12 meagre days?! I've never done this before. Go on a holiday without nini. Or not even a holiday, just another country, like being back in Singapore, which is like home and home feels like nini is suppose to be there with me?! And the thought of her being stuck here in school while I can. . .do things in Singapore, it just. . .makes me want to cry. Which is what Im still doing now.
I also understand where my parents are coming from. kinda. About why nini shouldnt go back in October.and then in December again. Money is such a problem!! Times like this, I just wonder WHY did we even have to come here in the first place! Or since we came already, Why do we have to stay?? But yet, I guess my mum is right. That we're getting a better chance of education here, or something. But grr! Its so annoying! Its so unfair! Why does nicoles school have to have such fucked up holidays!
And I keep thinking back on when we were saying bye to my parents at the airport just now, I was feeling, not angry... upset?, and I was already crying from before.-- At home, in the car, and my eyes took a break when we were at the terminal cause I didnt want people staring thinking I couldnt handle people going overseas. But as we were saying bye, I just felt like crying all over again! Out of frustration, and feeling-badness, and, and, so many other things I just felt. So there went my eyeballs watering up like a glass threatening to overflow with water because it was filled to the brim. And we hugged and said our very solemn byes. And then my poor poor annoying nonsense daddy asks nicole if shes angry with him. And he asked Me that before at home already. And Im thinking, Well!....I think he knows the answer for himself already. But I said no to him. Because I didnt want to be meaner or anything. But when he asked nicole again! I just felt. . . . . . . . . . . And then as everyone turned to go off, back to the car. I mumbled a bye once more. And my mum said, all teary eyed and voice breaking, Tash, love you k. And I just wanted to CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. But I still felt abit stubbornly defiant. So my eyes just welled up till everything was a blur. And I nodded and so quietly said 'you too'(whatever that was supposed to mean in my head when I decided to say it??) and walked away. But it was so soft I might as well have not said anything at all cos I was probably the only one who had heard it! HOW MUCH OF A BITCH AM IIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Cannot Stop Crying. I just keep replaying that scene over and over again in my head. I hope they have a safe flight back. The wind outside is crazy, I hope the turbulance doesnt cause anything to go wrong. 0_0 0_0 0_0
Then in the car, I just kept thinking of how everyone felt. Like, their side of the story. Like poor daddy, doing so much of what he can in order to provide for our family, working so hard to sustain all our needs so that we can live comfortably and abit more than just comfortably. And mummy too. Then theres nini! Who's obviously so upset that she can only be back in singapore for 12 days out of this whole year. I mean, I hate seeing nini cry. And it just makes me feel so much worse thinking that I kept saying she should go back and and insisting that I'll fight for her right to go even if mummy and daddy said no. And now. . .alls ended in tears. But why couldnt they have just said no at first when I asked them!? Why bring all our hopes up when on the final day where Im about to book the tickets they say no.
ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so upsetting! I cant stand it anymore!
And nicholas is being unusually nice and caring to me as well. Probably because I've been teary-eyed-and-faced and red nosed and sniffling for the past few hours and am now locking myself in the toilet and sitting on the cold floor.
It feels nice to just keep crying everything out though.
I have to go for mass tomorrow.
And I need to go out for a walk now. Only no one allows me to. UPSETTING.
I also understand where my parents are coming from. kinda. About why nini shouldnt go back in October.and then in December again. Money is such a problem!! Times like this, I just wonder WHY did we even have to come here in the first place! Or since we came already, Why do we have to stay?? But yet, I guess my mum is right. That we're getting a better chance of education here, or something. But grr! Its so annoying! Its so unfair! Why does nicoles school have to have such fucked up holidays!
And I keep thinking back on when we were saying bye to my parents at the airport just now, I was feeling, not angry... upset?, and I was already crying from before.-- At home, in the car, and my eyes took a break when we were at the terminal cause I didnt want people staring thinking I couldnt handle people going overseas. But as we were saying bye, I just felt like crying all over again! Out of frustration, and feeling-badness, and, and, so many other things I just felt. So there went my eyeballs watering up like a glass threatening to overflow with water because it was filled to the brim. And we hugged and said our very solemn byes. And then my poor poor annoying nonsense daddy asks nicole if shes angry with him. And he asked Me that before at home already. And Im thinking, Well!....I think he knows the answer for himself already. But I said no to him. Because I didnt want to be meaner or anything. But when he asked nicole again! I just felt. . . . . . . . . . . And then as everyone turned to go off, back to the car. I mumbled a bye once more. And my mum said, all teary eyed and voice breaking, Tash, love you k. And I just wanted to CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. But I still felt abit stubbornly defiant. So my eyes just welled up till everything was a blur. And I nodded and so quietly said 'you too'(whatever that was supposed to mean in my head when I decided to say it??) and walked away. But it was so soft I might as well have not said anything at all cos I was probably the only one who had heard it! HOW MUCH OF A BITCH AM IIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Cannot Stop Crying. I just keep replaying that scene over and over again in my head. I hope they have a safe flight back. The wind outside is crazy, I hope the turbulance doesnt cause anything to go wrong. 0_0 0_0 0_0
Then in the car, I just kept thinking of how everyone felt. Like, their side of the story. Like poor daddy, doing so much of what he can in order to provide for our family, working so hard to sustain all our needs so that we can live comfortably and abit more than just comfortably. And mummy too. Then theres nini! Who's obviously so upset that she can only be back in singapore for 12 days out of this whole year. I mean, I hate seeing nini cry. And it just makes me feel so much worse thinking that I kept saying she should go back and and insisting that I'll fight for her right to go even if mummy and daddy said no. And now. . .alls ended in tears. But why couldnt they have just said no at first when I asked them!? Why bring all our hopes up when on the final day where Im about to book the tickets they say no.
ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so upsetting! I cant stand it anymore!
And nicholas is being unusually nice and caring to me as well. Probably because I've been teary-eyed-and-faced and red nosed and sniffling for the past few hours and am now locking myself in the toilet and sitting on the cold floor.
It feels nice to just keep crying everything out though.
I have to go for mass tomorrow.
And I need to go out for a walk now. Only no one allows me to. UPSETTING.
posted by tasha green at
7:13 PM
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